Emma turns 4 years old and Mommy made sure the new Gidget stuffed animal fit in the basket despite its enormous head.
Each year on my kids' birthdays, my brain sends me down memory lane and I find myself looking through pictures and wishing time could stand still for one moment. These pictures also show many cycles of befores and afters when it comes to weight. I can't even say the yo-yoing in my weight came from my pregnancies, since it started approximately 2 years before having my oldest, who will be turning 6 in August.
From 2007 to 2008, I gained approximately 30 pounds. The only reason I can say that happened was because I was happy in a new relationship with the man who would become my husband in 2009 and the father of my two children. I had always been fit, although I must admit I didn't always see myself that way when looking in a mirror. I was a gymnast as a kid, a tennis player as a teenager, and a frequent gym goer as an adult.
A little girl learning how to fly.
2006-2009: The Road to Beachbody and a Walk Down the Aisle
In my mid-20s, I had no control around food once I allowed myself to have more of it. I started to sleep a lot during the day. I wasn't able to make it through an hour-long television show and I ordered take out more nights than not, simply because the thought of cooking exhausted me. I had no responsibilities other than work and keeping my small house clean, but I didn't see myself or my health as a priority. I was happy with my life, but not with who I saw in the mirror or how I physically and mentally felt most of the time. All it took was one late night of binge eating, an infomercial of Beachbody's program Slim in 6, and being ready to make a change. When I started the program, I saw a transformation right away in not only my physical appearance, but also in my cravings, my habits, and my energy. The package came within a few days, which was perfect because it didn't allow me time to forget that I ordered it late at night after a binge session and close to tears. A few days in, I knew this program was different than just eating right 80 percent of the time and going to the gym and doing some cardio and then wandering around aimlessly trying to figure out what machine to use next. It came with all the tools I needed to be successful—a meal plan, a workout schedule, and support from an online community that I am happy to say are still some of my closest friends after all these years. In less than one year, I lost 30 pounds and thought the battle to stop binge eating was finally over.
30 lb. weight loss with Slim in 6 and clean eating.
Before getting married, I completed one round of Chalean Extreme. I fell in love with lifting weights and I continued the program until stepping into my wedding dress in October 2009.
Honeymoon in Hawaii-Maintaining my weight loss but feeling stronger and more lean.
2010-2011: Carb Loading Before Having a Baby
One thing I have learned about myself over the years is that one cheat meal can quickly turn into a binge eating marathon. Shortly after coming home from our honeymoon, I found that I had put on 8 pounds. That couldn't be right. Sure, I enjoyed dinners and desserts on my honeymoon, but 8 pounds? I am not sure what happened at that point, but I was done. I was tired of worrying about calories in versus calories out. I was tired of thinking of numbers. Weight, inches, calories, points—so I just stopped. I had something else to worry about and that was making sure I sat still long enough to not hurt the baby growing inside of me. I know now that the thought of that is ridiculous, but I was terrified of being pregnant. I was scared of walking too fast or running. The doctors told me that I could still exercise so I would try, but then fear would settle into my brain. I didn't realize until then just how much daily exercise affects my mental health. I grew very depressed, but it was easy to blame that on hormones. It was also easy to excuse the overabundance of macaroni and cheese and spaghetti that I was eating. I was eating for two after all. I knew then as much as I know now that my baby was not needing two plates of spaghetti every night followed by a row of Chips Ahoy cookies. I didn't want to admit that what I had worked so hard for—not just the weight loss, but the strength to not binge eat—had returned with a vengeance.
7 months pregnant with my son.
I remember people telling me to enjoy this time—that pregnancy was the only time to indulge and not care about the consequences. The weight would come off. Have that milkshake and fries! In my mind, this was the permission I needed to binge eat. All it took was one person to tell me it was okay to enjoy food and I took that to mean that I could eat to overcome the fear I had of becoming a mom. I hated myself during a time when I was supposed to feel beautiful. I would look in the mirror and start thinking of a plan to lose the weight quickly. I remember thinking in the shower, "If I start being good now with my eating habits, I can maintain this weight before I have the baby, and then I am looking at only having to lose 40 pounds, which soon became 50 pounds, and as I stepped into the hospital to have my beautiful baby boy—I had 72 pounds to lose.
I was in love with being a mommy, but I was so unhappy with the extra weight I was carrying around. When I think back to that time, I realize now that it wasn't just about fitting into a certain pair of jeans or feeling ashamed when looking at a picture of myself. I was upset that I had no control over my eating habits. It was all or nothing with me at that time in my life. Either I was all in and eating great and working out 6 days a week, or I was binge eating and not working out at all. I needed to find a balance.
Using a planner has always been a passion of mine. One might say that I am an addict when it comes to To-Do lists and creating schedules. So between meal times, nap times, and going back to work, I scheduled in some time for myself to set small goals that eventually would lead to big dreams.
I went back to basics—clean eating, my Beachbody programs, and I even attempted to jog, although sustained cardio always felt like someone was punching me in the chest—and after a little over one year, found myself back at my pre-pregnancy weight...and pregnant with my second baby. After getting over the excitement of my pregnancy test, I could help but be scared of the inevitable weight I would gain after I had just worked so hard to take it off.
Before and After: Baby Ryan turns 1 and I am back to pre-pregnancy weight
2012-2014 : Getting to Know Myself
While I was gaining 45 pounds during my pregnancy with Emma (the little girl in the princess crown who just turned 4), I was losing hope in trying to save my marriage. Things were difficult at that time but we both had faith that it would work out. I mean it had to, right? We were about to have our second baby.
That year has become a blur for me. There was a lot of silence except for a toddler running around and a baby crying. There was a lot of soul searching and therapy, I want to say on both our parts. There was hope and then one day there wasn't.
I started running when Emma was 9 months old as a way to find something in myself that I thought was impossible—a runner. I had lost most of the baby weight by then, but I just needed to be outside. I started off jogging and slowly built up to running 4 miles at a time. I was addicted to the feeling I got after a run. It wasn't easy for me. I was in shape, but to this day, I have to work very hard at running without feeling like I'm going to die with each stride. Yes, I'm dramatic by nature, but I'm totally serious with that statement.
The thing with running is that you typically get more hungry because you are burning so many calories, and it's encouraged to fuel your body and give it the calories and nutrients it needs. Only I couldn't. I was sick. I was sick all the time. My stomach burned and the thought of food scared me. I knew if I put something in my mouth, it would hurt me. I lost more weight than I had gained in my pregnancy, and the smallest size jeans in my closet were now falling off of me.
Before and After: Emma turns 1 and I lost 10 pounds more than my pre-pregnancy weight.
We separated shortly after Ryan turned 3 and Emma turned 1. The way I mourned was by running more, laughing often, and trying not to see my life as a mistake or myself as a failure to my kids. Some days were hard and others I don't really remember. I just existed.
I set a lot of goals for myself that year. I figured the more goals I set, the more busy I would be. That seemingly worked and it also led me to a friendship that would become so much more. Perhaps the timing wasn't right, but you can't really time these things perfectly, so I took a leap of faith.
This guy (Tim) trained me to complete my first half marathon and hasn't left my side since.
2015-Present: Getting Healthy and Learning to Be Happy Without an After Photo
I want to end this post right here. Because it's from here that I want you to get to know who I have become. Things are so different now. I'm so different. I'd like to say that I became healthy and never binged again, and that I found a way to balance healthy eating and working out. All the things I want to help others with as a Beachbody coach. But then I would be lying to you, and I really don't want to do that. So here is now. I gained 20 pounds since turning back to eating food without getting sick and being inconsistent with my workouts. How does that saying go? Old habits die hard? Pssh. No kidding. I completed Max 30 with Tim (and sometimes my kids would join in, which makes me so happy). I did a round of the Ultimate Reset, which helped kick off this next part of my journey by helping me lose 8 pounds and 10.5 inches. Beachbody is like a home away from home for me. It's a place I go back to every time I feel like a part of me is missing, only this time I decided I want to share my story and do this with you as a friend and coach—as someone who will encourage you, support you, and help you find the strength that you didn't know you have.
Ultimate Reset results
I hear people say they are a work in progress, and that's the category I think I will always be in. I'm okay with that. For the first time I am maintaining a healthy weight and not letting the scale define me. Do I get upset about a few extra pounds? Yes. Do I sometimes binge eat during a hormonal or stressful time? Yes. Am I always trying to come up with a plan to become the healthiest version of myself? Yes. Will I ever give up? Never.
